


Chaos is What Killed the Dinosaurs, Darling

by Freezeurbrain



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Alex Boniello as Connor, Carrie and Lucas are original characters, Heathers AU, M/M, Mallory Bechtel as Zoe, Phoenix Best as Alana, Roman W Banks as Evan, Treebros but it’s not healthy, but I modified their personalities to fit their roles, sky lakota lynch as jared
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-01-16 16:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freezeurbrain/pseuds/Freezeurbrain
Summary: Evan’s no expert, but he’s pretty sure that falling in with the popular crowd, betraying your best friend, falling for a mysterious new kid, and accidentally murdering the queen bee is not the universal high school experience.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So we’re doing this! How very! 
> 
> This is something I’ve had in mind for quite a while. I hope you all enjoy Chaos is What Killed the Dinosaurs, Darling!

_September 1st, 1989_

_Dear Diary,_

_I like to believe I’m a good person. You know, like, I try and see the good in everyone. But what do you know, here we are. The first day of my senior year of high school, and it seems like no one is even trying to be good anymore. You’ve got these kids that I’ve known all my life, but now I can’t even recognize them anymore. It just leaves a guy wondering what the hell happened._

Evan Hansen shut his journal and tucked it under his arm. The blue polo he wore now seemed dorky and pretentious, instead of nice, which was the way it looked on the clothes rack at the mall. But it wasn’t like he had the money to go shopping for a whole new wardrobe, so unless their house burned down, he was just going to have to deal with it. 

He’d been here before school started, at open house, to get his locker ready and meet his new teachers. There, all the students had been at least semi-well-behaved, because there were parents everywhere. But now, Evan doubted there was going to be much adult supervision outside of the classrooms. Usually the teachers would just stay in their classrooms during passing period and in the teacher’s lounge before and after school. He was seriously not looking forward to the hallways. 

Less than a minute walking through the crowded halls proved his suspicions. He hadn’t even made it to his locker and he’d been shoved twice, called a “freak” three times, and called a “geek” four times. Which was to be expected from the Neanderthals at his school. 

These were kids who had been nice to him in kindergarten. Kids who wouldn’t have even thought of shoving someone in the first grade. He was pretty sure the cheerleader that had just called a goth girl a slut had played tag with that very same girl every day at recess during second grade. It was snippets of memory like those that gave Evan a sliver of hope. Hope that maybe those kids could change. That those forces, the ones that turned the sweet kids he once knew into these people with no regard for others, would turn the tides. If they’d gone through such a radical transformation back then, who was to say they couldn’t change again?

“Ow!” Evan grunted as he walked into a football player. 

“Get lost, nerd.” The football player shoved Evan away with a sneer. 

Yeah, maybe a sudden change in the entire student body was a bit much to hope for.

Evan couldn’t do much other than sit through the boring first-day formalities and daydream about graduation. Once he got his diploma, he was not hanging around. He would be gone, off to Harvard, Duke, or Brown. At college, people were actually human. 

Lunch wasn’t much better. He had to squeeze in the line and wait while a seemingly endless stream of students in front of him scoured out the most edible-looking food to put on their trays.

Suddenly, a hand shot out and smacked his tray, causing Evan to drop it to the ground. 

“Oops.” Lucas Williams snickered, causing Evan to clench his fist to stop himself from doing anything stupid. 

_Lucas Williams. It’s his third year as linebacker and eighth year of smacking lunch trays and being a monumental dick._

“Jerk.” Evan muttered as he tucked his diary under his arm. 

“What did you say, pretty boy?” Lucas shot a glare at Evan over his shoulders. 

Evan looked down at his shoes like they were the most interesting thing in the world. “Nothing.” 

Evan felt a tap on his shoulder and yelped. He turned around… and came face-to-face with Carrie Jampala, his best friend. “Hey Carrie.”

“Hi.” Carrie bent down to pick up Evan’s tray. 

Carrie Jampala, my best friend since diapers. She’s got a huge heart, but around here? That’s not enough.

“We on for movie night?” Carrie asked as she handed Evan his tray. 

Evan nodded. “Yeah. You’re on Jiffy Pop detail.”

Carrie squealed. “I rented The Princess Bride!” 

“Again?” Evan gave a small chuckle. “Don’t you have it memorized by now?” 

“What can I say?” Carrie looked down at her shoes bashfully. “I’m a sucker for a happy ending.” 

“Chubby Jampala!” A cruel laugh rang out from behind them. “You’re blocking the exit, Wide Load. That’s a fire hazard, you know.” Miguel Ramirez knocked Carrie’s own tray out of her hands, then walked off to join Lucas. 

_Miguel Ramirez. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team. Which, you know, is on about the same level as being the tallest dwarf._

“Hey!” Evan yelled, storming up to Miguel. “Pick that up. Right. Now.” 

Miguel scoffed. “I’m sorry, are you actually talking to me?” 

“My buddy Miguel just asked you a question.” Lucas said.

Evan glared. “Damn right I am. I want to know what gives you the right to pick on my friend. You’re a highschool has-been waiting to happen. You think you’re so cool now, but in ten years, you know where you’ll wind up? A gas station attendant.” 

A long silence followed, before Miguel smirked and pointed to Evan’s forehead. “You have a zit right there, pretty boy.” 

The students that had been watching the exchange laughed, and Evan shuffled over to his usual table with Carrie, humiliated. 

“You know, Chubby Jampala isn’t even that clever of a nickname.” Carrie whispered as she pushed a bag of Cheetos towards Evan, which he graciously accepted. 

Evan heard laughter from a nearby table, and glanced over. He then took out his diary and began to write. 

_And then there’s the popular kids. They float above it all. It seems like everyone in school wants to either kiss them, kill them, or be them. Or a mix of the three._

_First up, there’s Jared Kleinman. Pep Squad leader. His parents are loaded. I think his dad sells engagement rings and his mother does slightly dishonest accounting._

_Alana Beck. Runs the yearbook. She has no discernable personality, but rumor has it her parents paid for breast implants over the summer._

_And then there’s the queen bee, Zoe Murphy. The Almighty. She is a mythic bitch. “All shall love her and despair.”_

_I don’t know what it is about them, but they’re solid Teflon. Never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that._

Evan sighed and shut his diary. The bell rang, and after throwing his lunch in the trash can, he headed to the bathroom. The second after he shut himself in the stall, three sets of footsteps reverberated off the stone brick walls. One set went into a bathroom stall next to his, and the other two stayed out by the sinks. Evan heard vomiting from the stall next to him, and was hoping he could just slink out, but the first voice he heard put an end to that. 

“Ugh. Grow up, Alana. Bulimia is, like, so ‘87.” 

The cold voice of Zoe Murphy stopped Evan in his tracks. Nope. He was not about to confront Zoe and her posse on the first day. 

“Zoe, I-” More vomiting, before Alana continued. “I need a mint.” 

“Have you ever considered, I don’t know, seeing a doctor?” Jared’s voice was sharp, but with a hint of actual concern. 

“Oh, good thinking, Jared!” Alana said sarcastically. “I’ll jot that down on my to-do list!” 

The bell rang, and Evan inwardly groaned. A few more minutes passed. Zoe and Jared made idle conversation while Alana continued to throw up sporadically. It didn’t look like they were planning on leaving anytime soon. 

“Ah, Zoe and Jared.” Evan could hear a new voice, that of the guidance counselor Ms. Fleming. More vomiting from a nearby stall, and Ms. Fleming added, “And Alana. Perhaps you three didn’t hear the bell over all the vomiting, but you’re late to class.” 

Evan was suddenly struck by an idea. He ripped a blank page out of his diary and started writing. 

“Alana wasn’t feeling well, Ms. Fleming. We’re helping her.” Zoe’s voice dripped with false sympathy. Evan could practically hear her smile. 

Ms. Fleming chuckled dryly. “Not without a hall pass, you’re not. Week’s detention, all three of you.” 

Jared said, “But Ms. Fleming, I-”

Alana groaned. “That is so unfair.” 

“My mother pays your salary.” Zoe snapped. 

Evan walked out of the stall, holding out the piece of paper. “Actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee. Right, guys?” Evan stared at the three popular kids with a look that he hoped read ‘play along’. 

“Right! And then Alana said she wasn’t feeling well, and she threw up in the hallway. I got her to the toilet and those two…” she gestured to Jared and Evan, “...got paper towels. They cleaned it up, but you might want to have the custodian put some disinfectant down. Just to be safe.” Zoe gave Ms. Fleming an admittedly very convincing fake smile. 

Ms. Fleming examined the ‘hall pass’. After a long pause, she said, “Well, I see you’re all listed. Hurry up and get where you’re going. I’ll go get a custodian and tell him to put down some disinfectant.” 

After Ms. Fleming left, Evan let out a sigh of relief. But it was short-lived when Zoe grabbed the fake hall pass and examined it. 

“This is an excellent forgery.” She cocked a single eyebrow and looked up at Evan. “Who are you?” 

“Evan Hansen. I crave a boon.” 

Zoe’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “What boon?” 

“Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once. You don’t even have to talk to me. If people think you guys tolerate me, they might leave me alone.” Zoe gave a cold laugh, and Evan quickly said, “Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notices.” 

Alana’s eyes widened. “How about prescriptions?” She asked.

“Shut up, Alana.” Zoe snapped.

“Sorry, Zoe.” 

“You know…” Zoe trailed a manicured fingernail along Evan’s jawline. “For a greasy, little nobody, you have good bone structure.” 

“Oh, and a symmetrical face.” Jared piped up. “Like, if I took a meat cleaver right down the center of your skull, I’d have matching halves!” He seemed to realize how his comment hung in the air and stepped back. 

Alana scoffed. “Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.” 

“And you know?” Zoe cocked her head to the side, as if Evan were a dead animal and Zoe were a taxidermist plotting the best way to stuff it. “I can work with this. All you need is a change of wardrobe and a little concealer and we’re on our way.” 

“Uh…”

“So what do you say… Evan? Okay?” 

Evan took a deep breath. “Okay.” 

With that one simple word, Evan stepped over a line he’d never imagined he would. 

And he wasn’t sure what the other side held in store.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Popularity comes with a cost that Evan’s not sure he can afford to pay.

_Dear Diary,_

_It’s been three weeks since I became friends with the popular kids. Well, “friends” isn’t really the right word. It’s more like Zoe, Alana, and Jared are people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit._

Evan looked down at the new outfit Zoe had made him buy. White button-up, blue blazer, and grey pants. The bell rang, and Evan tucked his diary under his arm, turned, and his eyes fell on Carrie.

“Hey, Evan.” Carrie smiled shyly. 

“Oh, hey Carrie.” Evan said.

“You’re really looking nice these days, huh?” Carrie remarked.

“Well, it’s still the same me underneath.” 

“Are you sure?” Carrie asked.

Evan sighed. “Carrie, look. I’m sorry that I flaked on movie night last week, okay? I just… I had a lot going on, and…” 

“No, I get it. You’re in with the cool kids now. It’s exciting.” 

“It’s… whatever. But we’ll hang soon, okay? I promise.” Evan smiled. Just then, he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see Alana with an expression that could only be described as contempt.

“Zoe says to haul ass to the caf, pronto.” Alana said, eyes narrowed. 

“How very.” Evan responded dryly. 

Alana scoffed and walked off, and Evan couldn’t think of anything to do but follow. As they crossed the courtyard on the way to the cafeteria, they passed a boy leaning up against the brick wall. His dark hair was messily cut, like he’d done it himself. He wore a long black coat, and in his hands he carried a book. Evan couldn’t see the title, but it was something by Baudelaire. 

As Alana and Evan walked past him, the boy gave Evan a small smile. Evan stopped in his tracks. The boy’s eyes were dark, and seemed to burn with an intensity Evan couldn’t quite place. Evan was about to say something-

“Evan.” Alana snapped Evan out of his thoughts. He continued walking after Alana and tried to forget about the boy’s dark eyes.

Inside the cafeteria, Zoe and Jared waited at a table. While Zoe had her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed, Jared actually waved to Evan. Jared had been… somewhat friendly to Evan since he joined their little clique, or at least friendly for Jared. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they were the only guys in the group. 

“Evan.” Zoe smiled, but it dripped with venom. “I need a note forged in Lucas Williams’ handwriting.” Without giving Evan time to respond, she said, “You’ll need something to write on. Alana, bend over.” 

Alana sighed and bent over like she was doing toe touches in gym, allowing Evan to write on her back. Evan took the piece of paper Zoe offered him and pressed it against Alana’s back. “Sorry.” He whispered before he started writing, careful to keep his eyes on the paper and nowhere else. 

Zoe grinned maliciously. “Write: _Hi, Care-Bear. I’ve been watching you, and thinking about us in the old days. I’m hoping you can come to my homecoming party this weekend, I miss you. Lucas._ Ooh, and put an XOXO after the signature.”

Evan finished writing and handed the note to Zoe. “What’s this for, anyway?” He asked as Zoe folded the note into quarters and put a red heart sticker on the front. 

“Well, you know how Lucas used to hang with Chubby Jampala?” Zoe smirked.

“Yeah, in kindergarten. We all did.” Evan answered.

Alana straightened herself up. “Well, we all didn’t kiss on the kickball field.” 

Jared’s eyes widened. “Oh my- you’re right! I totally forgot. Lucas kissed Chubby Jampala. It was disgusting.”

Zoe pressed the heart sticker firmly onto the note, and her crimson lips twisted into a smile. “Perfect.” She scanned the cafeteria, and when she spotted Lucas, she waved him over. “Lucas, doll? C’mere.” 

Lucas walked over. “What’s up?” 

Zoe handed him the note, making a point to let her fingers brush his. “Be a sweetie and give this note to Chubby Jampala for me.”

“What?” Evan gasped, and Zoe shot him a glare over her shoulder. 

Lucas scoffed. “Since when do you talk to that fatass?” He started to unfold the note, but Zoe stopped him by placing her hand on his arm.

“No, don’t read it. She’s having extra-heavy flow this week and wanted some advice from my gyno.” 

Lucas grimaced. “Eugh.” 

He started to walk away, but Evan grabbed the note out of his hand. “Don’t!” Zoe tried to yank the note out of Evan’s hands, but Evan held firm. 

Lucas walked off, and Zoe narrowed her eyes. “Evan. Give me the note.” 

“Carrie’s had a thing for Lucas for years now! This would… this would _kill_ her!” 

“So?” Zoe scoffed.

“Come on, Zoe. You’re bigger than this.” Evan pleaded.

“Am I?” Zoe raised an eyebrow, and snatched the note out of Evan’s hands. As she smoothed out the wrinkles, Evan noticed Jared staring at him with an expression that was half fear, half astonishment. Zoe continued. “You’ve been helpful to me so far, Evan. Because of that, I’m willing to overlook this.” 

“But-“ 

“Because let me tell you this. I gave you your popularity, and that means I can take it away. Like that.” Zoe snapped her fingers. “Is that what you want, Evan? Just say the word.” She straightened her posture and put on a venomous smile. “Because Chubby Jampala over there? She’s not your friend, Evan.” 

Alana nodded. “If she had your shot, she’d leave you faster than you could blink.” 

“Yeah.” Jared said, his posture stiffening. “I mean, if you don’t care, you can go back to making friendship bracelets with _her_.” He looked between the other two girls, as if to be sure he’d said the right thing. 

“So what’ll it be, Evan? You can go back to playing dress-up with losers, or you can be cool.” Zoe held out the note. “Come on, it’ll give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.” 

Evan, though his conscience objected, took the note. He walked over to Lucas and handed it to him. “Give this to her.” Lucas nodded. 

A few minutes later, Carrie raced up to Evan, a bright smile on her face. “Omigosh, Evan!” She squealed. “Lucas invited me to his homecoming party!” She hugged the note to her chest. “I told you! I told you there was still something there!” 

Evan glanced back at Zoe, who mouthed ‘loser’ in his direction. Evan swallowed the lump in his throat and said, “Color me stoked.” 

“I’m so happy!” Carrie yelled, causing a lunch monitor to give them a stare. 

Carrie hurried back to her table, and Evan walked back to the clique, and Zoe smiled. “I knew you had it in you, Evan.”

Evan nodded, but he couldn’t ignore the guilt gnawing at him. “I’m… gonna get a soda.” 

Before Zoe could answer, Evan turned around and walked over to the Pepsi-Cola soda machine. 

As he was buying a can of Pepsi, he heard a voice behind him. “You shouldn’t have bowed down to the Swatch-dogs and Diet-Cokeheads. They’re gonna crush that poor girl.” Evan turned to see the boy from before, speaking without looking up from his book.

“What?” Evan asked.

The boy smirked and tucked his book under his arm. “You’ve clearly got a soul. You’ve just got to work harder keeping it clean. We are all born marked for evil, after all.”

He turned, but this time Evan grabbed his shoulder. “Hey, don’t quote Baudelaire on me and walk away. I didn’t catch your name.” 

The boy shook Evan’s hand off his shoulder. “I didn’t throw it.” He smiled, and then walked off. 

Evan wanted to walk after him, but he just couldn’t. It was like a mysterious force had rooted him to the spot.

“Hey, sweetheart!” Miguel hooted, and Evan looked up to see Miguel grabbing the trenchcoat kid’s arm. “What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Dallas?” 

Lucas shoved the kid in the chest. “My buddy Miguel just asked you a question.” 

“Hey, Lucas.” Miguel smirked. “Doesn’t this cafeteria have a ‘no fags allowed’ policy?” 

The boy sighed. “They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though.”

“Hold his arms.” Miguel growled. 

Lucas lunged forward, but the trenchcoat kid stepped back, causing Lucas to stumble. Then, lightning-fast, the boy used this to shove Lucas down to the ground. Lucas hit a plastic chair and let loose a stream of cursing, then stood up and punched at the boy. Where the error lay was that Lucas swung his whole arm in a wild hook, which meant the boy had no difficulty grabbing it and shoving Lucas back down again. 

That second clatter made Jared yell, “Holy shit!” And, like a domino being pushed over, that ignited the other students. Cries of “Oh my God” and “Someone stop them” filled the air as people craned their necks to get a view of the fight.

Miguel grabbed a plastic tray and whacked the kid hard in the side of the head, and the boy stumbled back against the table. Miguel smirked, clearly thinking he’d won the fight. That was what Evan and the rest of the students thought too, for a single sickening moment. As Miguel stepped closer, the kid suddenly jolted up and kicked Miguel right in the stomach. The boy then grabbed the same plastic tray Miguel had smacked him with and swung it right at Miguel’s face, nailing him dead-on. 

Evan watched this with wide eyes, half fearful and half… something else. This kid, this mystery boy had lasted longer than Evan had expected to. Most people couldn’t hold their own against Miguel and Lucas for more than a few minutes. But this kid was… something different. There wasn’t anything about him physically that made him stand out from the rest of the students, but he just gave off this _energy_. Like a wolf and a whippet, only science would put them together on the same tree. 

The mystery kid turned to look at Evan, giving him a half-smile that made Evan’s palms clammy for some reason. Then, he turned to the students watching the fight and simply shrugged, as if to say “Show’s over.” 

A harsh whistle blew through the air, and everyone turned to see the P.E coach, who yelled, “Alright, what in the _hell_ is going on here?” As she stormed towards the fight scene, the crowd of students parted like the Red Sea. 

The kid faced the coach and said in a remarkably cool voice, “They attacked me, Coach. I was just defending myself.” 

“That so?” The coach cocked her head. “I don’t suppose any other students would back this up?” 

Evan spoke up. “Coach, I saw the whole thing. Lucas and Miguel did start it.” 

The coach looked around at the crowd of students, who all nodded as if to confirm Evan’s statement. She then sighed. “Alright. Beck and Kleinman, help Williams and Ramirez to the nurse. And you, kid-” She jabbed her finger in the mystery boy’s chest. “Next time, maybe restrain them instead of going ham on them, hm?” 

“You got it, Coach.” The boy nodded. 

Seemingly satisfied, the coach turned to the rest of the students. “Alright, you got dinner and a show, now move your asses to class!” 

The group of students dispersed, and Evan was among them. Still, for the rest of the day, he couldn’t get the mystery kid out of his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan finally meets the mystery kid that’s captured his attention in more ways than one.

Dear God, Evan, drool much?” 

Zoe’s cold voice snapped Evan out of his thoughts. 

“You keep zoning out. You have been since that kid whooped Miguel and Lucas’s asses at lunch.” Zoe leaned forward on her croquet mallet. “In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you _liked_ the new kid.” 

Zoe laughed, which made Evan uncomfortable. Mostly because he wasn’t sure if Zoe was that far from the truth. “No.” He managed to sputter out. “Whose turn is it?” 

“Mine.” Alana stepped forward.

Evan took Alana’s place, standing next to Jared. “Hey.” 

Jared nodded. “Hey.” His posture was rigid. For some reason, Jared clammed up when the topic of gay people came up. 

“So, we’ve got that party tonight?” Evan asked, desperate to break the awkwardness.

“Yeah. Lucas’s. It’s gonna be big. As Zoe would say, ‘anyone who’s anyone is going to be there.’” Jared responded. 

“Is there going to be alcohol?”

Jared shrugged. “Most definitely. You’ve never had it?” 

Evan shook his head. “I was… sheltered.” 

“It’s an acquired taste, but once you start, you’ll like it.” 

Evan wasn’t sure he wanted to start, but he couldn’t very well say that to the one person in his new group of “friends” who seemed to actually be cool with him. “I guess we’ll see.” 

“What about the game? You going?” Jared continued. “I am. Y’know, ‘cuz I’m the pep squad leader and all.” Jared stuffed his hand in his pocket. 

“Probably.” Evan said. 

“Maybe we’ll see each oth-” 

Jared was cut off by Evan’s mom approaching. “Hey kids! I wasn’t sure if you were hungry or not, but I brought you all some pâté just in case.” 

Zoe looked at the plastic tray full of crackers with thinly concealed disdain. “Ms. Hansen, that’s not pâté, it’s liverwurst.” 

Evan’s mother tried to hide it, but her eyes showed hurt and confusion. “I know, Zoe. It’s a family joke.” 

“Oh. How… cute.” Zoe gave Evan’s mother a thin, tight smile. She took a cracker from the tray and took a bite so small Evan wasn’t sure she’d eaten it at all. The other two followed suit, though Alana only nibbled the edge of her cracker after scraping the liverwurst into the bushes with a single manicured fingernail. 

Evan hurried over to assess the damage, but Evan’s mom was still smiling like nothing had happened. “So, you four got any big plans tonight? 

“There’s a big homecoming party. Zoe’s giving me a ride.” Evan answered. 

“Speaking of parties…” Zoe’s voice trailed off and she stared at Evan. 

“Right. And if we want to get to the party on time, we really need to get going.” Evan shifted. 

“Evan.” His mother whispered. “I’m not too sure about these new friends of yours.” 

“Mom, I’m fine.” Evan attempted to walk away, but his mother grabbed his shoulder. 

“Don’t let those popular kids change you.” His mother’s eyes were so worried it almost convinced him. “You have other friends. You have Carrie.” 

Evan looked back at Zoe, who beckoned him over. “Maybe I want more out of life than liverwurst, Mom.” And, without looking back, he walked over to Zoe, ignoring how twisted up he felt inside. 

***

Evan walked through the doors of the 7-11, the cold air conditioning hitting him in the face. Zoe called after him from her car, yelling, “Don’t forget to grab the corn nuts! It’s not a party without corn nuts!” 

“BQ or plain?” Evan asked.

“BQ.” Zoe yelled. 

Evan walked inside and headed for the snack aisle, grabbing a Value Pack of BQ-flavored corn nuts and heading for the register. He was almost there when a familiar face by the slushie machine caught his eye. 

 

The kid from the cafeteria. 

As if pulled by a string, Evan walked over to the boy, who looked up. “Greetings and salutations.” He grabbed a paper cup from the counter. “Want a Slurpee with that?” 

“No, but if you’re nice, I’ll let you buy me a Big Gulp.” Evan leaned against the counter. 

The kid scoffed. “That’s like going to Mickey D’s and ordering a salad. Slurpee’s the real dish of the house.” He pressed the cup to the machine and his hand hovered over the flavor levers. “Cherry or lime?” 

“I said Big Gulp.” Seeing that the kid wasn’t going to budge, he sighed. “Cherry.” As he watched the flavored ice swirl into the cup, he said, “My name’s Evan Hansen, by the way. Am I ever going to know yours?” 

The kid sighed as he handed Evan the cup. “All right. I’ll end the suspense. Connor M.” 

“Just ‘M’?” Evan arched an eyebrow. 

“I have to keep up the ‘man of mystery’ front somehow.” Connor smirked. 

“Well, Connor…” Evan paused, savoring the way the name felt. “That stunt you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.”

“I’ve found that the extreme always seems to make an impression.” Connor responded.

“A negative impression.” 

“But an impression nonetheless.” 

Evan grabbed a straw from the tray on the counter and slammed it against the tray to get the paper wrapping off. “So, what brings a Baudelaire-quoting badass like yourself to Dallas, Texas?” 

Connor sighed. “My dad’s work. He owns a law firm. Just not a very stable one.” 

“Law firm, eh?” 

“The old man likes talking. You seen his commercials?” He took on a gravelly voice. “”Larry M, Esquire.’”

Evan nodded. “Yeah! Then he talks about ‘if you or a loved one have been injured, call today.’ That’s your dad?” 

Connor laughed. “In all his toxic glory.” 

“I guess everyone’s life has static.” Evan remarked. 

From outside, a car horn blared and Evan heard Zoe’s voice, muffled by the walls. “Evan!” 

“Example: I don’t really like my friends.” Evan gestured to the door. 

“I don’t really like your friends either.” Connor leaned against the counter, his shoulder almost touching Evan’s. “Hey. Bag the party. Hang here.” 

“The 7-11. Swanky first…” Evan hesitated before continuing. “...date.” 

“I love this place.” Connor took a sip of his Slurpee. 

Evan looked around at the flickering fluorescent lights, the sticky counter littered with plastic lids and straw wrappers, and the muck that had accumulated between the linoleum tiles. “No offense, but why?”

“It’s a constant. When you’ve been through ten high schools in four years, everything just blurs. You know, my dad keeps two suitcases right there in the den.” Connor’s expression wasn’t sad, but it certainly wasn’t happy. More like… wistful. 

“Really?” 

Connor nodded. “It’s like he’s never even thought that the next place we stay at could be home.” 

“That’s… wow.” Evan bit his lip.

“This place is the only thing I can trust. It’s always there. You could walk into a 7-11 in Vegas and then one in Boston and you’d think you never crossed the country. I use it… I guess it helps me pretend that my life isn’t as chaotic as it is.” Connor took a sip of Slurpee, then grimaced.

“What’s the matter?” 

“Brain freeze.” Connor smiled. “Better than any drug on the market. Care for a hit?” He gestured to Evan’s Slurpee, which Evan still hadn’t touched. 

“Does your mommy know that you eat all this crap?” Evan asked, chewing on the end of the straw, but not drinking any. 

“Not anymore. She up and left me and my dad when I was seven. Took my sister with her. Haven’t seen either of them since.” 

Evan winced. “I know the feeling. My dad left me and my mom.” 

“Join the club.” Connor patted Evan on the shoulder, then continued his story. “After Mom left, Dad became distant. I had to man up at a young age. I learned to cook pasta so I’d get something to eat. I learned to pay rent so we wouldn’t get evicted because my dad was too boozed up to care.” 

“That’s… that’s horrible.” 

Connor shook his head. “It’s life. You and me, we come from different walks of it. You, Evan Hansen, are planning a future. But let me tell you this. Sooner or later, that sky is going to fall, and when it does, you better be ready.”

“How do you deal with it all?” Evan asked.

“Simple. By fighting pain with more pain.” Connor held up his cup. “It hurts like hell, sure, but the pain makes you numb. No positive emotions, but also no negative ones.” 

“Sounds… sketch.” Evan raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t believe me? Try it.” Connor gestures to Evan’s cup. 

Evan finally caved and took a long sip. The cherry flavoring was almost unbearably sticky sweet. But he didn’t feel the numb pleasure Connor had described. “Yeah…” He said, “I don’t see what the big deal-“ 

He was cut off by a sharp pain in his temple. “Ah!” He yelped, then started laughing from the pure shock of it. “Oh, son of a bitch!”

Connor burst into laughter along with Evan, and for a moment Evan was seriously considering letting Zoe wait out in the car until she got tired of waiting.

But then that moment ended, the sliding door opened, and in walked Zoe, a serious expression of anger and disdain on her face. “Evan!” She snapped her fingers.

Evan looked at Connor awkwardly, dropping his plastic cup down into the trash bin. “I gotta bounce.” 

“So I see.” Connor remarked.

“Corn nuts?” Zoe held out her hand.

“Yeah.” Evan placed the bag in her hand.

“Wave bye-bye to Red Dawn here and let’s motor.” Zoe said. 

Evan stole one last look at Connor, who was now whistling a simple melody and looking at Evan with another bizarre half-smile.

Then, he turned and followed Zoe out to the car, the whistling tune following him like a ghost.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party is on, and the tensions are reaching the breaking point.

Whatever Evan was expecting from his first real high-school party, it wasn’t this. 

The party wasn’t in Lucas’s house. Sure, couples would disappear into the house for God knows what, but the main action was in the backyard, where over a hundred teenagers all at various levels of drunkenness. A thousand smells assaulted his nose, and Evan was pretty sure that weed was among them. He was getting pushed around like nobody’s business, and Alana had already almost fallen into the pool. A stereo plugged into the back porch blasted a pop song so loud his eardrums were ringing, and drunk girls sang along off-key. 

In short, it was awesome. 

Someone had thrust a beer into his hands upon his arrival, and Jared was right. It had taken some getting used to. The first sip, it had taken all his willpower not to spit it back out again. But slowly, it was growing on him. He’d downed the first can, and it hadn’t taken long for him to find another. 

“This… is great.” Evan yelled over the music. He and Jared were by the cooler. Both of them had beers in their hands.

“I told you!” Jared yelled back. “Hey!” He pointed to the dance floor, where Zoe was getting felt up by Miguel. “Check out Zoe and Miguel over there! Getting pretty handsy.” 

“Isn’t that…” Evan choked back a wave of something that may or may not have been vomit. “Isn’t that what they call ‘third base’?” He had given up on trying to make his words sound less slurred, because it just wasn’t working. 

“Not… exactly?” Jared’s expression told Evan that was _not_ , in fact, third base. 

“Oh.” Evan said, then took another drink. “Da-a-amn, this is strong.” 

Jared chuckled. “God, you are such a lightweight.”

“Thanks!” Evan grinned. Jared’s face looked scarlet in the light. 

“Evan! Jared!” Zoe called from a plastic table. She held up a glass bottle. “C’mon! Shots!” 

A few minutes later, Evan was standing over a plastic table, and Jared was trying to teach him how to do a tequila shot. 

“No, Evan, it’s salt, then shot, and then lime.” Jared handed Evan another lime slice. 

“Like this?” Evan did what he remembered Jared had done: licked the salt off his finger, then slammed the shot of tequila (which made his throat burn), and then sucked the juice out of the lime. 

“Yeah! You’ve got it!” Jared slapped Evan on the back. “You’re a natural. Just like my mom.” 

“But I thought you said your parents didn’t use the liquor cabinet.” Evan asked, confused. 

“Bars exist, Evan.” Jared said, before knocking back a shot of his own.

Zoe licked the salt from her finger. “Did you see the way Jenny was feeling up Mark? What a whore.” 

“But you were just-“ Evan began.

Someone bumped into his shoulder. Evan turned around to see who it was, only to find himself face-to-face with a blonde cheerleader, who smiled. “Looking hot, Hansen.” She winked.

Evan turned back to the others. “Did you see that?” 

No one answered his question. Instead, Alana wrinkled up her nose. “Ugh. The smell is killing me.” 

“Wait, is that weed?” Evan asked.

“No, it’s potpourri.” Zoe snapped. “Of course it’s weed, dumbass!”

Just then, Miguel called from the front porch. “Alright, people! What is Westerburg gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday’s game?” He held up a piñata shaped like a pig, with a sign around its neck that read _Jefferson Razorbacks_.

“We’re gonna make ‘em go whee!” Lucas yelled as he dry-humped the piñata, which made Jared laugh out loud.

“Way to show maturity, Jared. Dry-humping a piñata. So funny.” Alana rolled her eyes and walked off, slamming her shot glass down on the table in the process. 

“Alana!” Lucas yelled, and threw his arms around her. Then, he began dry-humping her, just as he’d done to the pig piñata.

Alana wrestled against Lucas’s grip. “Quit it!” She slammed her foot down on Lucas’s, but he was either too drunk to feel it or just didn’t care. “Get off of me, you jackass!” 

Evan put his shot glass down and ran over, grabbing Lucas by the arm. Lucas glared at him. “What the hell do you want?” 

“I, uh, I just saw some freshman trying to sneak in. Over the back fence.” Evan pointed over the crowd. 

Lucas growled. “Ugh, I hate freshman. Where are you little pricks?!” He yelled as he ran off to go apprehend the imaginary freshman.

Evan tried to grab Alana’s shoulder, but missed and got her arm instead. “Hey, you alright?” 

“I didn’t need your help!” Alana glared, her face flushed. She wasn’t meeting Evan’s eye. Then, with a furious expression, she flipped Evan the bird.

“Aw, thanks for the finger, ‘Lana, but I really don’t have to vomit right now.” Evan laughed, despite the insensitivity of his own comment surprising him. “Get it? ‘Cuz of the finger?” 

Alana growled and stomped away. Miguel stood in front of her, and for a second Evan wondered if he would have to repeat the Freshman Fake-Out. But Miguel simply handed Alana a little cup that looked like it was filled with Jello and continued on. 

Then, Evan caught sight of a familiar face across the pool. Carrie stood there, wearing a white dress trimmed with black lace that reminded Evan of the dress she’d worn to their eighth grade dance. She was holding a bottle of fruit cider, tied with a pink ribbon. Evan made his way through the crowd. 

“Carrie! I… can’t believe you actually came!” Evan said.

Carrie smiled, her gaze filled with relief at seeing a friendly face. “Of course I came!” She looked around the party. “It’s exciting, right? Oh! I wanted to say hello to Lucas. I brought sparkling apple cider!” She clutched the bottle closer to her chest and walked off.

Evan started to follow her, to stop her, to do something, but then his head started spinning and he had to lean against a tree for a minute. Some vomit threatened to spill out, but Evan was able to choke it back down again, though it stung his throat. Nearby, Evan could hear Zoe, Alana, and Jared speaking in hushed tones, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. 

When he looked up again, he made his way through the throng of partygoers. When he finally saw Carrie again, she was approaching Lucas, bottle of cider still clutched in her hands. Lucas was still patrolling for the imaginary freshman. 

“I know you’re out there! I’ll snap your necks like the pencils they are!” Lucas screamed, then muttered, “Frickin’ freshman.”

Carrie tapped Lucas on the shoulder. “Hey, Lucas.” She said, causing him to spin around. “I wasn’t gonna come, but you took all that time to write that sweet note-“ 

“What note?” Lucas interrupted, and without giving Carrie a chance to answer, said, “Why do you have to act so weird all the time? Y’know, people wouldn’t hate you so much if you just acted normal.” 

Carrie’s face was so vulnerable and sad that Evan felt another stab of guilt. “I-“ 

Lucas grabbed the bottle of cider from her hand and ripped out the cork. He chugged it, but immediately spit it out. “There isn’t any alcohol in this!” He glared at Carrie. “Are you trying to _poison_ me?” 

Then, without another word, he threw the bottle to the side, where it shattered against the fence. Carrie gasped, and Lucas walked off without looking back.

Evan ran over to his best friend, trying to help her up, but ended up losing his balance and falling to his knees. As Carrie helped _him_ up, she said, “I don’t know… why…” She choked back a noise that sounded like a sob, and Evan hugged her. 

They stayed like that for some minutes, until a squeal of microphone feedback cut across the yard, making Carrie jump. They both looked to see what it was, with Carrie making frantic leaps to try and see over the crowd. 

“Let’s see if we can get closer!” Carrie grabbed Evan’s hand and dragged him through the throng of partygoers, coming out near the front. Evan saw that Zoe was standing on the porch holding the microphone from the karaoke set. 

“Alright, Rottweilers! Time to celebrate our upcoming victory over the Razorbacks by whacking apart their mascot!” She yelled, not even wincing at the squeal of microphone feedback. 

Jared held up a red bandanna and an aluminum baseball bat. “We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the piñata!” 

Zoe’s eyes scanned the crowd, then fell on Carrie. “Carrie Jampala! I think you should do the honors!” Her smile was like glass coated with honey: sharpness and dangerousness masked by sweetness. 

Everyone was looking at Carrie, who shifted nervously and looked down at her shoes. “I don’t really know this game.” She whispered. 

“Let’s show this girl some school spirit!” Jared whooped, and Alana and Zoe prompted applause from the other students, who began chanting Carrie’s name. All except Evan, who was suddenly starting to feel sick and was investing all his energy into not throwing up.

Carrie walked up to the stage and grabbed the bat with shaking hands. Jared motioned for her to turn around so he could tie the bandanna over her eyes. Then, Jared grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around. “Bring out the piñata, Alana!” Jared yelled. 

Alana walked to the center of the porch holding the pig piñata from earlier, but Evan’s face flushed with anger when he saw it. A wig had been draped over the pig’s paper mache head, and a crude sign had been strung around its neck reading, in big bold letters, **Chubby Jampala**. Snickers and whoops came from the students, and Carrie still stood with a nervous smile on her face, blissfully unaware.

“What is your damage, Zoe?” Evan yelled, storming up to the porch. He grabbed the piñata out of Alana’s hands, after a brief struggle. He crossed the porch and came to the edge of the pool, with Alana chasing after him. Evan looked up at Carrie, who was struggling with the knot on her blindfold to try and get it off and see what was happening. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Alana grabbed the piñata and tried to yank it from Evan’s hands, but Evan wrestled it away from her.

“You want this, swim for it!” Evan yelled, and threw the piñata into the pool. 

Silence fell over the party, as if Evan had somehow stolen all the noise with that single act. Jared was watching him with his mouth open in shock, Alana was staring at him as if he’d just keyed her car, and Carrie. Carrie had finally managed to get her blindfold off and was staring at Evan with wide brown eyes. “What’s going on? Evan?”

“Go home. I’ll explain later.” Evan said, but Carrie still looked at him. “Go.” He repeated, and Carrie nodded, then ran off the porch, her footsteps echoing as she did. 

Evan turned to Zoe, who had been staring at him throughout all this, silent and unreadable. “Well, we gave it a shot. I quit.” He started to walk off, but Zoe grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around, her grip like a vice. 

“No.” Zoe glared at him, her voice low and dangerous. 

“Hey, don’t spin me, I’m not feeling well-” 

“You don’t get to be a nobody, Evan. Come Monday, you’re an ex-somebody. Not even Miss Chubby Jampala will talk to you. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. Because I promise, Evan, no one at Westerburg is going to let you play your reindeer games.” Zoe’s voice held a fury unlike anything Evan had ever heard. Evan suddenly doubled over, his stomach churning. He held his hand to his mouth and tasted the smallest bit of vomit. 

And then it all came crashing down. 

His throat burned as everything he’d been drinking for the past two hours spilled out again, making his eyes water. As he choked out vomit, he could just make out Zoe’s shoes on the pavement, getting covered. After Evan finished vomiting, the taste still stinging, Zoe shrieked angrily.

“I help you fit in and this is the thanks I get? Puke?!” She shoved Evan back. 

Evan glared at Zoe, meeting her eyes for the first time since they’d started hanging out. “Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.” 

Then he walked off the porch and didn’t look back. As he shoved through the gate and out into the front yard, he could hear Zoe yelling, “Well? Where’s the goddamn keg?” A single thought echoed in his mind. 

_What the hell did I just do?_

***

Evan wasn’t sure where he was. After leaving Zoe’s house, he’d just started walking. All the houses looked the same. It was past midnight, and already he’d thrown up again. He was lucky no cops had busted him for breaking curfew yet. 

_Looks like I sold my soul to she-Satan. Monday is going to be hell._

Thirty hours left for Evan to live. 

_I don’t have to go like a lamb to the slaughter. I could change my name and run away to Seattle. No. That won’t work. I don’t have a car or money for a Greyhound._

A flash in the streetlight caught Evan’s eye. He looked to see a black motorcycle leaning up against the side of a house, chrome handlebars winking in the light. As Evan stared at it, he remembered it from somewhere. Like it was a part of a past life. 

_Connor._

Thinking back to the 7-11- God, had that really been just hours earlier? -Evan remembered seeing Connor climb onto a bike exactly like this. Was this Connor’s house?

Only one way to find out. Evan thought as he stepped across the front yard and to the nearest window. Looking through, it definitely was a bedroom, but too dark to make out a face. He thought about how damning this would look to any passerby. _Young black man, inebriated, past midnight, looking through someone’s window? The cops would get called on my ass in no time._ Thankfully for Evan, the street was deserted. 

Evan put his knuckles to the glass and, after a moment’s hesitation, knocked. 

Someone sat up in the bed, and Evan steeled himself to run in case it wasn’t Connor and rather someone else- the admittedly more likely option. But the person who walked to the window was Connor, as Evan saw when he came to the window and the streetlight illuminated his confused expression. 

“Evan?” Connor asked as he opened the window. “What are you doing in my yard at two in the morning?” 

“Oh, you know. Was taking a midnight stroll and decided to stop by. Can I come in?” 

Connor’s confused expression didn’t fade, but he stepped aside to allow Evan to climb through. Evan stumbled as his foot caught on the frame- climbing through windows was a lot harder when you were drunk. 

“What’s the reason you’re really here?” Connor turned on the light, and Evan saw just how bland it was. No decorations adorned the walls, painted navy blue as if the first owner had left it that way and whoever bought it after that decided to stick with it. The bed was made with a plain gray quilt, with no sheets on the bare mattress. A small framed photo of a family of four rested on the nightstand, the only hint of personality in the room. 

“I think I just sentenced myself to social execution.” Evan said. 

“What?” Connor asked. Evan told him the whole story, from when he got to the party to when he left. At the end, Connor’s eyes were wide. “You puked on her shoes? That is awesome.” He laughed. 

“Won’t your dad hear if you make a ruckus?” Evan asked, confused as to why Connor was laughing and speaking as if it were the middle of the day rather than two-thirty at night. 

“Nope. He came home, had a few beers, and passed out cold. An army invasion could be happening and my dad would sleep through that.” Connor laid down across the bed, his gray tee-shirt riding up and exposing a stretch of his abdomen. Evan thought about lifting it up and tearing it off. Then he decided against it. 

“Sounds festive.” Evan grumbled and lay down across the bed right next to Connor, so close that they were almost touching. 

“Why do you care?” Connor asked after a long bout of silence. 

“What?” Evan turned to look at him, and Connor’s head was turned as well, which made their faces barely an inch apart. Evan could have kissed him right then. All it would have taken was the tiniest little lean forward. 

“Why do you care about what Zoe thinks?” Connor whispered. 

“She’s, like, the devil queen of Westerburg. Everyone at school is under her command, whether they know so or not.” Evan muttered. It was so hard to focus when Connor was looking at him. 

“Well, hasn’t every monarch’s reign ended?” Connor said, the corner of his mouth quirking up. 

“Good point. But it took bloodshed.” Evan retorted. Then he sighed. “Maybe… maybe it’s a good thing that my reputation can’t get any lower.” 

“Why not?” Connor asked, leaning in as if Evan had a secret to tell. His face was so, so close, barely a breath away. Evan wondered if Connor could hear his heart pounding. 

“Because…”

As his voice trailed off, Evan suddenly got a crazy idea. It was a gamble. A big one. But based on how today had went? Evan didn’t see how any more big gambles could hurt him. 

“Because I wouldn’t have anything, at all, stopping me from doing this.” 

Then Evan leaned forward and pressed his lips to Connor’s, and the world was so hot and so cold at the same time. 

Evan had kissed a girl once. At the eighth-grade dance. He didn’t even remember her name. The kiss had been quick, awkward, barely a kiss. 

This was a different thing, a different experience altogether. 

Connor’s lips were dry and chapped. They were warm, moving against his with a rhythm that Evan was making up as he went along. It was forceful, raw, untamed, like a song that hadn’t been edited yet. It was an eternity and a single moment. So small, and yet so large. 

When Evan finally had to pull away, his lungs screaming for air, he opened his eyes and looked at Connor.

“Not too shabby, eh?” Evan smirked. 

“Not in the slightest.” Connor said, before kissing Evan again. 

Like a tango, Evan let Connor take the lead. This time, Evan’s hands found Connor’s chest and pulled up on his shirt. 

“You want this off?” Connor murmured. 

“More than anything.” Evan whispered. 

Connor raised his arms and let Evan pull his shirt off. Evan’s hands moved to the buttons on his blazer, and Connor undid them. Both their shirts lay on the floor, forgotten amongst the heat of the moment. 

“My dad… would kill us… if he saw…” Connor murmured between kisses.

“Let him try.” Evan said. “Let the world try.” 

“I like the way you think.” 

And they passed the next hour that way, both of them close, but not close enough. Evan touching and kissing every part of Connor, and getting the same in return. Feeling Connor’s bare skin against his. Pressing up against him and letting the whole world, the whole _town_ vanish. 

For those short, perfect hours, everything outside melted away, and it was only Evan and Connor that mattered.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A confrontation at Zoe’s house gets a little more heated than expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! 
> 
> One use of the F slur towards the beginning of the chapter. If you don’t want to read it, skip to “Evan jolted awake”

_Hey, fag._

The dream was dark, with only Zoe’s chilling, haunting voice to echo in his head.

_Really, Evan? Sleeping with Psycho Trenchcoat Kid? I will crucify you for this. Everyone at school is going to know that good little Evan Hansen is nothing more than a dirty, desperate-_

Evan jolted awake. “Son of a bitch.” He muttered as he got up, waking Connor. 

“Evan?” Connor mumbled, still half-asleep. “What’s the rush?” 

Evan grabbed his blazer off the floor. “I gotta get over to Zoe’s house.” 

“Why?” Connor sat up. “I thought you were done kissing up to her.”

“Yeah, well, that was at three in the morning, and it was a fantasy. A world without Zoe. But it’s over now, and I have to go back to kissing her ass.” Evan started for the door, but Connor got out of bed. 

“Let me come with.” Connor said, pulling his grey tee-shirt on. 

“Why?” Evan asked. 

“For backup.” Connor smiled.

“Okay. Thank you.” Evan said, and Connor slung an arm around Evan, kissing him on the cheek. 

“Let’s get to Zoe’s house.” Connor whispered. 

“Okay. And by the way, you were my first.” Evan started for the door. 

“Really?” Connor asked. 

“Let’s get to Zoe’s house.” 

***

The only car in the driveway of the house was Zoe’s own. Connor’s eyes narrowed at the huge building. “I pictured her living in a house like this.” 

“Whatever gave you _that_ impression?” Evan asked flatly, and Connor chuckled.

“Lucky guess?” Connor responded, and Evan couldn’t help but crack a smile. 

Evan knocked on the door, but no one answered. After a few minutes, he tried the doorknob. Locked. 

“There’s probably an extra key around here somewhere…” Connor murmured. “Get off the mat.” Evan stepped off the welcome mat, and Connor peeled up the corner and picked up a bronze house key. “First place to look.”

Evan wrinkled his nose. “Sheesh. I thought rich people were more paranoid.” 

“Unless they’re dumb.” Connor stuck the key into the lock and turned it, opening it effortlessly. “After you.” 

“Shut up.” Evan playfully shoved Connor as he walked into the house’s front parlor. 

“Oh my God, is that marble floor? I thought rich people only had marble floor in movies.” Connor’s eyes widened. 

“This seems like more stuff than a room needs.” Evan wrinkled his nose. Then he called out, “Zoe?” 

“Maybe she’s not home.” Connor whispered hopefully. 

Evan shook his head. “Trust me. She always skips the Saturday-morning trip to Grandma’s, even when she’s not hungover.” He called out again, “Zoe!” 

“What?” Zoe’s voice yelled from an upstairs bedroom. 

“It’s Evan. I’m here to apologize.” 

“Hope you brought knee pads, jackass!” Zoe yelled. “Fix me a prairie oyster and I’ll think about it!” 

Evan looked at Connor. “What’s in that? Raw egg… vinegar…” 

“Hot sauce, Worcester, salt, and pepper.” Connor nodded. 

The two of them made their way into the kitchen, which was equally filled up with unnecessary decorations. They divided the ingredients among themselves: Evan got the eggs, the salt, and the pepper, while Connor got the sauces and the vinegar. 

“You know your hangover cures.” Evan remarked while Connor was stirring the ingredients into a ceramic mug. 

“Hey, I didn’t say I learned nothing from my old man.” 

Evan grabbed the mug. “Oh, here’s my revenge. Let’s spit in it. She’ll never know.” Evan gathered some saliva into his mouth and spit it into the mug, then stirred it a bit with a spoon. 

Connor was hunting around in the cabinet below the sink. “I’m more of a No Rust Build-Up man myself.” He stood up, holding a plastic bottle.

Evan scoffed, mildly uncomfortable. “Don’t be a dick, Connor. That stuff’ll kill her.” 

“Thus ending her hangover!” Connor held the bottle in the air like he was proposing a toast. “I say we go with Big Blue.”

“What are you- Connor, you can’t just say stuff like that. Besides, she’d never drink anything that looks like that.” Evan gestured to the blue liquid inside the bottle. 

“We’ll use a mug. She won’t be able to tell what she’s drinking.” Connor grabbed a ceramic mug identical to the one Evan held and poured the drain cleaner into it with a disturbingly playful smile on his face.

“Forget it.” Evan said. 

“Chick-en.” Connor muttered.

“You’re not funny!” Evan snapped. 

“Okay. I’m sorry.” Connor set the mug full of drain cleaner down on the counter next to him. “Really. I just wanted to make you laugh.” 

“It’s alright.” Evan said, and then Connor kissed him. Evan didn’t know if he’d ever get tired of that. He set the mug down on the counter and they stood like that for a minute, taking their sweet time. 

“Prairie oyster, chop-chop!” Zoe yelled from upstairs, breaking Evan out of his trance. 

Still in a half-daze from the kiss, Evan grabbed the mug that sat on the counter, next to Connor. As he was walking away, Connor called after him. “Evan!” 

“What?” Evan turned around, expecting something bad, but Connor’s expression was neutral. 

“Good luck.” Connor said. 

Evan walked up the staircase, which was lined with photos of Zoe- an infant Zoe, a toddler Zoe at a dance recital, a preteen Zoe with her grandparents. When they arrived at Zoe’s room, Connor gave Evan a thumbs-up before Evan opened the door. 

“Zoe?” Evan called out. 

Zoe sat up. She was wearing a red silk robe embroidered with pale yellow lily flowers. Her blonde hair was down, and she gave a little nod as Evan and Connor walked in. “Evan. Jesse James. _Quelle surprise_.” She snatched the mug from Evan’s hand. “Let’s get to it. Beg.” 

“I think we both said things we didn’t mean last night-“ Evan began, but Zoe cut him off. 

“I actually would prefer if you did this on your knees. In front of your little… _friend_ here.” Zoe said with a venomous smile.

Evan nodded. “Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m really sorry-“

Zoe cut him off again. “Do I look like I’m kidding? Down.” She hissed.

Evan looked at Connor, who was still staring daggers at Zoe. With trepidation, he got down to his knees, face burning. 

“Nice.” Zoe smirked, then her expression turned steely. “But you’re still dead to me.” Without another word, she drank the hangover cure. 

Connor helped Evan get back up and the two started to leave, but then Zoe retched. Evan turned around to see Zoe coughing violently on her bed, clutching her throat. 

Evan rushed over to Zoe and slapped her on the back, and when that didn’t work, he grabbed her and did the Heimlich maneuver. Still, Zoe continued coughing and grabbing her throat. She grabbed Evan by the arm and wheezed out, “Corn… nuts.” 

Then her hand went limp. 

Evan tried to shake her awake. She had to be just passed out. She had to be. She was hungover. 

“Holy shit.” Connor’s eyes widened as he rushed over to Evan’s side, taking in Zoe’s glossy eyes. 

“Don’t just stand there! Call 911!” Evan shook Zoe again, hoping that she would wake up the next time he shook her. He looked around at the nightstand, his eyes landing on the cup Zoe had drank from. When he looked inside, he gasped at what he saw, and his heart began to race. 

Inside the cup, the dregs of blue drain cleaner swished around, leaving a bright blue residue.

Connor walked over and put his fingers to Zoe’s wrist, then shook his head. “Little late for that.”

“Zoe!” Evan shook Zoe’s body back and forth. “Zoe, wake up!” Realization hit him and he screamed, dropping to the ground with Zoe’s limp wrist still in his hand. “Oh my God, I just killed my best friend!” 

“And your worst enemy.” Connor remarked.

“Same difference!” Evan snapped, and then began to hyperventilate. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. The police… they’re gonna think I did this on purpose.” 

“Maybe if you just explain…” Connor’s voice trailed off. “Or maybe…” Connor picked up a book lying on the ground. “Look. She was reading _The Bell Jar_.” 

Evan realized what Connor was implying after a moment. “No.” His eyes widened.

“Yes. You can fake her handwriting.” Connor picked a pen up off Zoe’s nightstand. “Make her sound deep. Like this: _I had pain in my path, like Sylvia Plath. My problems were myriad-_ “ 

“ _I was having my period_.” Evan said in a high pitched voice, then started half-laughing, half-sobbing. “Oh my God, I am screwed.” He laughed, more out of panic than actual humor. 

“Evan! This isn’t funny! We could go to _jail_. Get your head on straight!” Connor said, sounding angry.

“Well, Zoe would never use the word ‘myriad’. She missed it on our vocabulary quiz.” Evan said, pressing one end of the pen into the palm of his hand, which pinched his skin and left a sharp ink spot. 

_I killed someone. I killed someone. I killed someone. I FREAKING KILLED SOMEONE._

“So it’s a badge for her failures at school! Work with me here.” Connor looked at Evan with pleading eyes. 

Evan picked up the pen and a legal pad, and began to write. “Okay. Okay.” He breathed out. 

“Think. Long and hard. Conjure her up in her mind. What are Zoe Murphy’s final words to a cold and uncaring planet?” Connor looked over Evan’s shoulder. 

And Evan was writing before he even knew what the words were.

_Dear World,_

_Believe it or not, I knew.  
I knew about fear, and about the sting of loneliness. I think we all did. Some of us just hid it better than others. I hid behind clothing and plastered-on smiles. I learned to kiss boys with my tongue just so people would think I was good for something._

“That’s good.” Connor said. 

_But the whole time, the world was on my shoulders, holding me down like a concrete prom queen crown._

“Prom Queen?” A shrill, chilling female voice gave a fake gasp. “Why, I’m honored.” 

Evan looked over and screamed again. He was looking at Zoe Murphy, kneeling next to him in a way that mirrored Connor’s position. Her body was right there on the ground, but there she was right next to him, wearing the same silk robe. Blue drain cleaner leaked out of the corners of her mouth. 

“Evan!” Connor put a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “Calm down.” 

“But… she…” Evan pointed at Zoe, but his finger went right through her. 

“Ever heard of ghosts, Evan?” Zoe rolled her eyes. “Looks like you’re stuck with me forever. Noir over here can’t see me, it seems.” 

“Evan, you’re hysterical. Calm down.” Connor whispered, his voice soothing yet steely.

_Great. Now I have a ghost haunting me on top of everything else. Can this day get any worse?_

Evan nodded his head in response to Connor. “Okay.” He picked the pen up off the ground, and with Connor on one side of him and his unwilling ghost companion on the other, he started writing again. 

_Nobody thinks a pretty girl has feelings. They see a plastic Barbie doll in wearing shoulder pads and caked with makeup. They don’t see her tears, her insecurities._

_Nobody could see the me inside of me._

“Jesus.” Zoe’s ghost made a retching noise. “You’re making me sound like Air Supply!” 

“Keep going.” Connor urged. “This has to be good enough to fool the _cops_.” 

And so Evan kept writing. 

_They wouldn’t look past my rock-star mystique and into my eyes. Every night, I would hug my pillow and cry to myself, wondering if it would ever get better. My looks and status kept me locked away from the outside world. They left me a myriad of scars._

“Ooh, I love that. ‘Myriad’. It really brings out my smart side.” Zoe’s ghost remarked.

_Because nobody does stop and think if the pretty girl has substance. That’s the curse of being popular, I suppose. I’m more than just a source of handjobs and fun behind the bleachers. But no one saw that._

_Box up my clothes and give them to Goodwill. Donate my car to crippled kids or those ghetto moms on crack. Give them my CDs, my hats, anything. If I can’t do anything good in life, I want to do it in death._

“What are you doing?” Zoe’s ghost looked aghast. “Don’t give away my stuff!”

_Maybe I can help the world by leaving. Maybe that’s my only purpose in life._

_Goodbye,_

_Zoe Murphy_

*** 

Monday morning, the staff of Westerburg called a mandatory all-school assembly. Evan knew that it could only be about one thing, so he had a pit in his stomach that seemed to be growing larger by the minute as he shuffled to the assembly with Jared and Alana. Neither of them mentioned what had happened at the party on Friday night, so Evan didn’t mention it either. 

“I wonder what this assembly is about, anyways.” Jared muttered as the three of them sat in the bleachers, waiting for Principal Gowan to start talking. 

“Probably something bullshit like the dress code or kids smoking in the bathrooms.” Alana rolled her eyes. 

“What do you think, Evan?” Jared turned to Evan, who shrugged in a way that he hoped looked nonchalant. 

“Students.” The principal’s booming voice, amplified by the microphone, saved Evan from having to half-ass a response. “I have some very sad news to deliver.” 

“He’s retiring?” Jared whispered. 

“A student of Westerburg committed suicide on Saturday morning.” Principal Gowan said gravely. “Some of you may know her. Her name was Zoe Murphy.” 

The effect that one name had on the students was immediate. People gasped. One junior girl broke down crying. Carrie’s hands were clasped over her mouth in an expression of shock and disbelief. Jared’s gasp was raggedy, almost like the beginnings of a sob. His hand gripped Evan’s wrist, so tight it hurt, but Evan didn’t say anything. Alana looked like she didn’t quite believe it, like she hadn’t heard right. 

“I understand this is upsetting.” Principal Gowan said over the cacophony. “And, as I know it would be impossible for you all to focus on your studies at a time like this, I have made an executive decision to cancel classes for the rest of the day, to give you all time to grieve. After-school activities have also been cancelled.” 

Normally, everyone would have been ecstatic at the prospect of an unexpected day off. Now, no one cheered or even smiled. Evan gripped the side of the bleacher as if he’d fall off otherwise. He was beginning to feel nauseous.

“And…” A new voice rang out, and Evan looked up to see Ms. Fleming had grabbed the microphone. “Seeing as how they’re refueling the buses, I believe we should use the next…” Ms. Fleming looked at her watch. “...thirty minutes to separate into groups based on grade level, and just talk and feel together. Freshman, you’re with Coach Scott. Sophomores, please go with Vice Principal Macy. Juniors, follow Principal Gowan, and seniors come with me.” 

The grade levels followed their designated staff members, but the hallways were silent this time as the seniors walked to the library, the silence only broken up by Ms. Fleming’s expression that everyone was going to heal together, as a group.

When they got to the library, Ms. Fleming passed out sheets of paper. “Now, I have mimeographed copies of the suicide note so that you all can really feel Zoe’s anguish. Feel free to speak up, kids. This is a no-judgement zone.” 

Jared held the note in his hands as he read it. “I didn’t know that she was in this much pain.” 

A girl wearing a brown parka with eyes rimmed red from crying spoke up. “Maybe her life was just going through a really rough patch and she couldn’t take it anymore.” 

Another girl spoke up, this one a cheerleader, the very same one who had called a goth girl ‘slut’ on the first day of school. “I don’t think she was really that mean, deep down. I think she just needed some sort of outlet for all her pain and frustration and she took it out on everyone else.” 

Jared nodded. “Maybe she became popular to try and hide her pain, but in the process she had to hide who she actually was, which caused her even more pain.” After a second, he added, “But that’s just what I think.” 

Alana bit her lip. “Maybe she tried to reach out before and it scared her, so she kept hiding.” 

As his fellow classmates kept talking, Evan zoned out. 

_Zoe’s dead. She’s not coming back. She’s dead and you killed her. You’re a murderer. You murdered Zoe Murphy and covered it up. Isn’t that just condemning yourself twice?_

“Evan, you’ve been very quiet. What’s on your mind?” 

Evan looked up to see Ms. Fleming watching him expectantly, along with all his classmates. 

“I, uh… maybe, Zoe realized that in order to be happy, she had to give up her power.” Evan shrugged weakly. “And that the only way to do that was… death.” 

“My God.” Ms. Fleming smiled. “We’re breaking through. Zoe would have been so proud of all of you guys.”

Through the sadness and the tears, a few smiles broke out around the room at those words. “I bet she would want us to spread her story.” A boy who had recently entered the class president election spoke through tears. 

A preppy girl grabbed his arm. “She would want us to make sure nothing like what happened to her ever happened to another teenager.” 

“You’re right!” A boy in a plaid shirt stood up. “Zoe would want us all to live our lives for her!” 

As nods and calls of agreement came from around the room, Evan heard a chilling, ghostly voice gasp and squeal. “Holy crap! This is amazing!” 

Zoe Murphy’s ghost was wandering around the room, looking remarkably happy for a recently deceased person. “Jesus Christ, I’m bigger than John Lennon!” And then Zoe’s ghost stared at Evan, and blue liquid began to leak out of the corners of her mouth. And Evan had blinked, and then Zoe’s ghost was gone. 

Even after the buses had been fueled and the kids were on their routes home, Evan couldn’t shake the eerie blue liquid and the way he felt twisted up inside even more than he had when he’d first joined the popular kids.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to the cemetery goes wrong, and Evan has to think on his feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for attempted sexual assualt

“I remember a lot of good things about Zoe.” 

Evan and Connor were at Connor’s house, watching Alana give an interview on a local television news network. Evan still felt sick to his stomach. Was that a side effect of accidentally murdering your best-friend-slash-worst-enemy?

“Like the time her and I went to the mall and got our ears pierced. Or the time her, Jared, and I snuck out to the state fair and ate a bunch of corn nuts, and then we got sick on the Tilt-A-Whirl.” Alana paused, biting her lip. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to eat them again without thinking about her.” 

“Turn it off.” Evan said weakly. “Turn it off.” He grabbed the remote off the coffee table and hit the red OFF button, cutting Alana off mid-sentence.

Footsteps sounded out from behind them, and Evan turned around to see an older man with salt-and-pepper hair in work clothes looking at them. _Probably Connor’s dad._ Evan thought grimly. 

“Why, son, I didn’t hear you come in.” Connor said, making his voice sound gravelly. 

“Hey, Dad, how was work today?” Connor’s dad adopted a voice that was higher in an awful attempt to imitate Connor. “It was miserable.” He continued, this time in his normal voice. “Some miserable tribe of withered old bitches were screaming at me because I was hired to defend a demolition company that’s gonna blow up this fleabag hotel. All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a dump there. Just like Kansas. Remember Kansas?” 

“The one with the wheat?” Connor asked, dryly.

“The ‘Save the Memorial Oak’ society. Boy, I whipped those tree-humpers good in court.” Connor’s dad gave a chuckle. Then, speaking in his high voice, he continued, “Why, dad, I almost forgot to introduce you to my friend.” 

Evan shifted uncomfortably in his seat as Connor said, “Evan. This is my dad, Larry.” 

Evan stuck out his hand warily, and Connor’s dad seized it and jerked it up and down.

“Hey there, sport, why don’t you ask your friend to stay for dinner?” Connor was using his gravelly voice again. 

“Oh, uh, I really couldn’t. My mom’s making my favorite. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.” Evan forced a chuckle. 

“Huh. Last time I saw my mom, she had my sister in one hand and was flipping ol’ Dad here the bird with the other.” Connor said matter-of-factly. “Right, Pop?” 

Connor’s dad stared at Connor for a long time in the “You-Think-You’re-Tougher-Than-Me-But You’re-Not” way, and Evan took that as his cue to exit. 

“Right. I gotta go. See you tomorrow… man.” Evan gave Connor an awkward slap on the back and walked through the hallway and out the front door. 

As he was walking home, Evan pulled out his journal and added something. 

_Dear Diary,_

_When it’s legal, Connor’s dad will not be speaking at our wedding._

***

Later that night, Evan was sitting on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. His mom had the night shift again, which meant tonight was going to be one of those nights when he dug out leftover Chinese takeout from the fridge and ate it, cold, on the couch while watching reruns of old movies.

Unfortunately, his solitary Monday-night plans were cut short by a phone call. 

“Hi, you’ve reached the Hansen residence, this is Evan Hansen speaking.” Evan spoke into the receiver. 

“Hey, this _is_ your number! I didn’t have, like, a Yellow Pages or anything so I had to just go off it from memory. This is Jared, by the way.” 

“Hey Jared. What’s up?” 

Jared sighed. “Well, me, Alana, Miguel, and Lucas were gonna head out to Zoe’s grave, y’know, pay our respects and stuff, and we were wondering if you wanted to come, too.” 

“Really? Even after that party?” 

“We were all pretty drunk that night. We said some stuff we didn’t really mean, did some stuff we wouldn’t normally do. Besides, it feels stupid to be obsessing over that party when Zoe’s…” Jared’s voice trailed off. “Anyway, you coming?”

“Sure. I’ve gotta be back before midnight, though.” Evan said. 

“Got it. We’ll pick you up in a few.” Jared said, and the call ended with a click.

Soon enough, a grey Jeep pulled up outside Evan’s house, with a Duke University cling sticker on the rear window. Alana was driving, Miguel was sitting shotgun, and Lucas and Jared were in the back. 

“‘Sup, Hansen?” Miguel flashed Evan a grin. “Want some?” He held out a small metal flask, and Alana groaned. 

“You brought alcohol?” She glared. 

“‘Lana, chill out. Loosen up.” Miguel brushed Alana’s shoulder. 

“No thanks.” Evan pushed the flask back towards Miguel. 

“Suit yourself.” Miguel shrugged and took another sip. “Anyone else? Don’t be shy. I’ve got two backups with me.” He patted the pockets of his letterman jacket, and Evan heard a small clink from both ones. 

Jared shook his head and Alana wrinkled her nose in distaste when Miguel offered them the flask. Lucas, however, grabbed the flask and took a swig. “Hoo, that is some strong shit.” 

Alana rolled her eyes and turned the key in the ignition. The car rumbled to life and started down the road. 

The drive was long and silent, the only noises coming from when Lucas and Miguel passed the flask back and forth between each other. Alana was gripping the steering wheel almost unnaturally tightly, and Jared had his forehead pressed against the window as he stared out of it. The tension was so thick that you could have cut it with a knife. 

Seeing Jared and Alana, normally full of quips, now dead silent, made the now-familiar feelings of guilt stir up in Evan again. They wouldn’t even be in this position if it wasn’t for Evan accidentally murdering Zoe and then covering it up to save his own ass. He’d been so convinced that he was a good person, but now he wasn’t sure. 

When they did pull into the cemetery, it was completely deserted. Their car was the only one around for what felt like miles. Alana pulled an aluminum flashlight out of her glove compartment, providing a little light for them to walk by. The group made their way to the cemetery gate, only to run into a slight delay.

“It’s closed.” Evan said, pointing to the padlock and chain that latched the gate shut. 

“You really gonna let a little lock stop you, Hansen?” Lucas slurred. He stepped towards the fence and put both feet on the bottom bar, using his weight to pull himself up and over. In his inebriated state, however, he didn’t make the most graceful landing. 

In other words, he tumbled over the fence and landed right on his ass.

“Way to stick the landing, Batman.” Miguel attempted to pull himself over the fence the same way Lucas had, but he fared similar in terms of landing. 

Alana rolled her eyes. “Oh my God.” She climbed over the fence and managed to stick a much more solid landing on her feet rather than her rear end. Evan went next, then Jared. When everyone was over the fence, they began making their way through the rows of tombstones, using Alana’s flashlight to avoid tripping. With Lucas and Miguel severely drunk, that was a task unto itself. 

Finally, they arrived at Zoe’s gravestone. The words _Zoe Murphy_ had been carved into the flat limestone, and under that, _1972~1989_. 

“Well. We’re here.” Alana’s posture stiffened. “Who wants to go first?” 

“Uh…” Jared coughed. “Uh, Zoe, wherever you are, I hope you can hear me. You weren’t always the nicest, but you were my friend. And I… I miss you. I wish I could have helped you, because you were obviously in a lot of pain and none of us knew anything about it. And now it’s too late.” Jared cleared his throat. 

“Aw, Jared’s crying.” Miguel said mockingly. Evan looked to his side and saw that, in fact, Jared was starting to cry.

“Hey, don’t be an asshole.” He hissed at Miguel. “We’re all upset.” 

Miguel looked like he might start something, but huffed and took another sip from the flask. 

“Right.” Alana bit her lip. “Zoe, you gave me a lot of really good memories. I’m sorry that you died before any of us could help you.” 

“And I’m sorry I never got to bang you.” Lucas interrupted, slurring over his words. Alana cast an angry glance over in Lucas’s direction before continuing. “And we… we really miss you.” 

Evan clenched his fist, his nails digging into his palm as the guilt continuing to gnaw at him from within grew even stronger. “Even though I didn’t know you for very long, Zoe, you… you made an impact on my life. I’m sorry that I never got to know you long enough to help you.” 

“This is boring.” Miguel stumbled over to Alana and grabbed her by the waist, running his hands up and down her body. 

“Let me go.” Alana huffed, but Miguel didn’t release his grip. 

“God, you’re so gorgeous.” Miguel whispered, but in his drunken state, it was loud enough for all of them to hear.

“Did you hear me? I said _let me go._ ” Alana raised her voice angrily, but her expression betrayed a different emotion- fear. 

“Why would we do that?” Lucas slurred, grabbing Alana by the shoulders. 

“Hey, lay off her.” Evan said. 

“Aw, come on, Hansen, have you seen her? Do you honestly expect us to control ourselves when she looks like _that_?” 

“You need to calm down.” Jared stepped up next to Evan, glaring at Miguel and Lucas. 

“Of course _you’d_ say that, huh, Jared? You’re just the kind of guy who wouldn’t appreciate a beautiful woman if she was stripping right in front of him.” Miguel leered. 

“I…” Jared seemed to balk at Miguel’s words. His mouth opened as if to retaliate, but nothing came out. Instead, he clenched his fists and looked down, biting his lip.

“At least _Jared_ actually has some decency.” Evan snapped, stepping in front of Jared. 

“Watch what you say, Hansen.” Lucas growled. His grip on Alana’s shoulders tightened. 

“Let her go.” Evan said, narrowing his eyes. 

“How do you expect us to control ourselves when she’s dressed like that?” Miguel growled, gripping Alana by her jaw.

“She’s wearing what she always wears.” Evan said, stepping forward a little bit more.,

“Yeah, and it’s torture.” Lucas said. 

“Let. Her. Go.” Evan repeated. “Or do you need me to make you?” 

“Don’t be butthurt just because you can’t get a woman, Hansen. Alana likes this. Doesn’t she?” Miguel looked at Alana expectantly.

“For once…” Alana cast a glance towards Evan. “I agree with Evan.” 

“Aw, come on. We’re just having a little fun.” Lucas moved his hands to Alana’s jaw, running his fingers along her cheeks. 

_Alright. It’s dark, we’re at least fifty yards away from the car or any humans, we outnumber them, but they’re a hundred pounds heavier and way more strong than we are._

“Hey, girl, don’t listen to what Lucas here is saying. He’s trying to act like he’s the shit, but he’s slobbering over you like a dog in a steak shop.” Miguel hissed. 

“Hey, ignore him.” Lucas retaliated. “He just wants to get inside your pants.” 

“Who wouldn’t want to get with me?” Miguel pulled Alana closer to him. “Haven’t you always wondered what it’s like to sleep with a football star?” 

_Okay, so this isn’t a bad dream. This is real. Alana is in real danger._

“Hey! Let go of my hair!” Alana yelped as Lucas dragged her towards him. “Leave me alone!”

“Aw, don’t play hurt.” Lucas smirked. “You shouldn’t be wearing that little skirt if you don’t want us doing this.” 

“Yeah.” Miguel nodded, slinking himself in between Lucas and Alana. “We wouldn’t be doing this if you weren’t dressed like such a whore.” 

“Just…” Alana’s voice broke. “Let me go, you jackasses!” 

Evan’s eyes traveled to the ground. A tree root had broken the sod, causing a bump in the earth. A few feet away from Lucas and Miguel, there was a spot where the ground dipped down, and runoff from the recent rain had collected to form a muddy, half-water spot in the ground. An idea formed in his brain- a semi-crazy one, but at this point, it was his only option.

“Hey!” Evan stepped forward, fists clenched. 

“Don’t be such a buzzkill.” Miguel growled. 

“I just wanted to know-“ Evan stepped forward, and, with a bit of precision, managed to ‘accidentally’ trip. “Woah!”

“Hey!” Miguel jumped back, and in his impaired state, he obviously didn’t think too much about what he was doing. He hit Lucas square-on, causing a domino effect that ended with both Lucas and Miguel on their backs in the mud. 

“Whoops.” Evan got up and dusted himself off, then turned to Alana and held out his hand. 

Alana hesitated for a moment, then grabbed his hand and hoisted herself up. She didn’t meet Evan’s eyes, and her whole body seemed to fold inward as if she would disappear completely if she made herself small enough. “Thanks.” 

“No problem.” Evan responded. He looked to Jared, who seemed to be watching in awe. 

“Woah. That was… that was…” Jared’s eyes widened as he seemed to not be able to find the words.

Miguel sat up, his eyes blazing. “Hansen!” He tried to stand up, presumably to knock Evan’s lights out, but the slippery mud coupled with his own drunken state put a stop to any plans Miguel had on getting out of that mud any time soon. 

“You’re in timeout, boys.” Evan said flatly, bending down and picking up the flashlight from where it had fallen on the ground. “Don’t come home until you think about what you’ve done.”

And with that, Evan turned his back on Miguel and Lucas and started walking away, his two speechless almost-friends following close behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry I haven't updated this work in so long, I've been extremely busy. But I'm back, ready to spread the Heathers AU joy again!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dinosaurs turn to dust, and Evan has to deal with the consequences

_Dear Diary,_

_Whew. Close call last night. Zoe was the only person at Westerburg who could actually control Miguel and Lucas. And now..._

Evan stopped, the weight of the word he was about to write making his shoulders sag. 

_...she’s dead._

“Oh, look who’s having second thoughts.” 

The cold voice of Zoe Murphy made Evan jump, and when he looked beside him, he saw her again, sitting in the previously empty seat next to him on the bus. (For some reason, no one had sat there, even though the bus was packed). The neon blue drain cleaner leaking out of the corner of her mouth was still there, a constant reminder of the deed that had unfolded last Saturday- was it really _last Saturday?_ It felt like an entire eternity had passed.

Zoe gave a hacking cough, then groaned. “Ugh. Because of you, I’m going to be spitting up drain cleaner for the rest of eternity.”

Evan ignored the specter, instead choosing to bend his head and keep writing. 

_Technically, I didn’t kill Zoe. I know that. But I still feel bad. But... not as bad as I should feel. And that makes me feel worse._

The bus came to an abrupt halt, almost making Evan lose his grip on his pen and journal. Evan stood up, along with all the other kids on the bus, and began slowly making his way into the school building. He noticed that people seemed to be giving him a wide berth as he walked through the hallways. That made him feel uneasy, and when he reached what had been Zoe Murphy’s old locker, that feeling of unease only grew. 

Zoe’s locker door was open, and Jared and Alana seemed to be going through the stuff, taking out binders, pencil pouches, and makeup bags, and laying everything out on the tile floor. When they saw Evan approaching, Jared offered a tight smile, while Alana seemed to be pretending he hadn’t shown up at all. 

“What are you guys doing?” Evan asked, his voice feeling too loud. The various cards and flowers taped to Zoe’s locker door made Evan feel sick inside, and the fact that Zoe’s specter hadn’t gone away didn’t exactly make him feel better. 

“Cleaning our Zoe’s locker.” Alana said curtly, not meeting Evan’s eye. 

“Ugh.” Zoe’s ghost rolled her eyes. “Alana is _such_ a sad little poser.” 

Alana took out a sparkly pink folder decorated with stickers and Zoe’s name in block letters on the front. “Hey, Jared, do you think we can donate this or toss it?” 

Zoe’s eyes widened. “What is she doing? She can’t just _give away_ my stuff! Evan, tell her to stop it.” 

“Shut up.” Evan hissed. 

Alana’s head whipped around, and Evan realized that his remark hadn’t exactly been quiet. Her eyes narrowed. “ _You_ shut up.” She tossed the folder down on the ground, leaving Jared to sort out the “keep-or-toss” question for himself, and turned back to the locker, still giving Evan the stink eye. 

“Anything else in there?” Jared asked.

“Wait.” Alana reached into the locker and took something out- a red velvety scrunchie, the same kind Zoe had worn in her hair. 

“Hey, that’s Zoe’s scrunchie.” Jared’s eyes widened slightly.

Alana seemed to be in deep thought, when her face suddenly hardened and she pulled her curls up into a ponytail and fastened it with the scrunchie. “Not anymore.” 

“What?” Jared stood up.

“Zoe’s gone, Jared.” Alana said sharply. “And you’ve seen what it’s like without her. What happened last night would have never happened if she was still around. Someone has to replace her, and it might as well be me.” 

“Replace Zoe?” Evan asked.

Zoe’s ghost rolled her eyes. “ _Please_.” 

Alana shot Evan a cold glance. “You know, if I were you, I’d be less worried about me and more worried about your reputation.” Her face seemed to soften slightly as she continued. “Do you know what Lucas and Miguel are saying about you?” 

“No.” Evan felt the pit of uneasiness in his stomach growing. “What?” 

“They’re saying...” Alana inhaled sharply. “They’re saying you tried to come on to them.” 

The words hit Evan like a slap to the face. “That... that wasn’t what happened. You guys were there.” 

“I...” Alana looked down, unable to meet Evan’s eye. “I’m sorry for what happened, Evan. But the damage is done.” 

Evan felt a mixture of anger and panic rising in him. “You can just tell everyone-“ 

“There he is!” Evan was cut off by Miguel’s voice and someone shoving him. “The punk-ass homo boy.” 

A few bystanders laughed, something that Evan felt right down to his bones. _This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening._

“Is that why you’re always hanging out with that psycho trenchcoat kid? Is it?” Lucas laughed cruelly. “Is he your boyfriend or what?”

“Must not have been very satisfying if you had to try and hit on a couple of football players, huh?” Miguel shoved Evan again, but Evan’s thoughts were racing too much for the pain of his shoulder slamming into a metal locker door to affect him very much. _This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening._

“Hey, guys, are you sure Evan hit on you?” Jared looked at Evan, then at Miguel and Lucas. “I know you had a little too much to drink, and maybe you misunderstood the stuff he was saying-“ 

“Oh, look at Jared, sticking up for his friend!” Miguel said the word _friend_ like it was some kind of deadly insult. “I know what you’re like. Maybe you’d want to take some of the attention off Evan here by telling everyone?” 

Jared seemed to shrink back upon realizing that everyone was looking at him, and he looked down at his feet with clenched fists. “No.” 

“ _Misunderstood_ , my ass.” Lucas laughed. 

The bell rang, cutting through Evan’s skull like a knife. The crowd dispersed, and Evan knew he should head to homeroom, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t sit there and listen to the whispers, or feel their glares... he just couldn’t. So instead of going to homeroom, he found a nice janitor’s closet, curled up on the floor, and sat in the darkness for a good long while, crying his eyes out. 

When the door creaked open, he looked up, expecting to find a confused janitor at best or another student at worst, but a relieved sob escaped his lips when he only saw Connor, the lights from the hallway illuminating his silhouette.

“Evan.” Connor practically ran to Evan’s side, cupping Evan’s face in his hands. “Oh my God. I heard what happened.” 

“Connor, I didn’t try to hit on Lucas and Miguel, I swear. I would never-“ Evan was cut off involuntarily by a sob escaping his mouth. 

“I know. I know.” Connor put his forehead up against Evan’s, and the two of them stayed like that for several long moments, Evan’s breathing shallow and quick at first, but slowly calmed down until it was at a steady, albeit still quick, pace. 

“Are you okay?” Evan asked. 

Connor nodded. “I’m fine. But you...” He looked away from Evan, and Evan saw that Connor was gritting his teeth. “They’re not going to get away with this Evan, I promise. They’re going to pay. We’ll make them pay.”

“Connor...” Evan’s voice trailed off, and he scooted up next to Connor and put an arm around the other boy’s shoulder.

“You’re the best thing in my life, Evan. The only good thing.” Connor said. “I was all alone, but you... you changed something in me. I...” He inhaled, then delivered the next words all in one breath. “I love you, Evan.” 

Evan smiled weakly through the tears, because despite the circumstances, hearing Connor say those words sent shivers up his spine. “I love you too, Connor.” 

“We’re going to make a new world together, Evan. A better world.” Connor planted a soft, quick kiss on Evan’s forehead. “This is all going to be a memory soon. I promise.” 

***

Later that night, in Connor’s room, Connor and Evan sat around the phone, Evan hugging his knees to his chest as he held the phone to his ear. “Are you sure this’ll work?”

“Shh.” Connor put his finger to his lips. 

Evan smirked at Connor’s over-the-top secrecy as he heard a click on the other end of the line and Miguel’s harsh voice. “What do you want, Hansen?”

Putting on the performance of a lifetime, Evan injected a cold bitterness into his voice. “Hey, Miguel. Remember when Connor decked you and Lucas in the caf?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Miguel sounded annoyed.

“Well, we were talking, and we decided to see if he could do it again. Only this time, I’m with him.” Evan said coolly.

“What do you mean?” Miguel asked.

“We’re saying we want to fight you jerks. In the cemetery. At dawn.” Evan paused for effect, then laid down the selling point. “You know. Settle this like men.” 

“Why would we-“

Evan cut Miguel off. “Of course, if you’re too _chicken_...” 

“ _Chicken_?” From the sound of Miguel’s voice, Evan had hit him right where it hurt. “We’re not chicken. You’re on, Hansen. And tell your little punk boyfriend I’m gonna beat his sorry ass into tomorrow-“

“Yeah, yeah.” Evan hung up the phone with a satisfying click, and no sooner had he done it than he and Connor burst into laughter. 

“Oh my God!” Poor Connor was clutching his side, lying down on Evan’s bed from how hard he was laughing. “They freaking fell for it!” 

“I can’t believe it.” Evan said. “I knew they were dumb, but I didn’t know they were that _stupid_ -“

Evan was cut off by Connor pulling him in for a dizzying kiss, one that made his head spin and his heartbeat pick up.

“What...” Evan’s spoke in between Connor’s lips on his. “What’s this for?”

“Just because you look _insanely_ hot while you’re trying to intimidate a pair of jerks.” Connor smirked. 

Evan laughed, then a thought crossed his mind. “You know... my mom’s working late tonight.”

Connor raised an eyebrow suggestively. “Oh?”

“And if we got done quick enough...” Evan smirked. “We could definitely play it off as just a sleepover.” 

Connor put an arm around Evan’s waist and lay down, pulling Evan on top of him. “I like the sound of that.” 

***

After narrowly avoiding a _very_ awkward conversation with his mom, Evan and Connor had fallen asleep and woken up early that morning, traveling to Connor’s house in order to get what they needed. There was a box in Connor’s garage that Connor said would have it, and Evan was a little surprised when _it_ turned out to be two vintage pistols. 

“Woah.” Evan’s eyes widened as he ran his fingers along the cold metal. “Are these real?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah.” Seeing Evan’s frightened expression, however, he added, “But we’re filling them with Ich Lüge bullets.”

Evan furrowed his brow. “ _Ich Lüge_... what?” 

“My grandad scored them in World War Two.” Connor held up a singular bullet. “They contain this powerful tranquilizer. The Nazis used them to fake their own suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin. _We_ , however, will use them to knock out Miguel and Lucas just long enough to make it look like a suicide pact. Complete with a forged suicide note.” 

He handed Evan a piece of paper, and Evan smiled. “What do you want me to write?”

“Write this.” Connor cleared his throat. “ _Lucas and I died because we had to hide our gay forbidden love from a misapproving world._ ” 

“What’s this supposed to do, again?” Evan finished the note and handed it to Connor.

“The whole town will see them as a bunch of hypocrites. They made fun of you for being gay, only to try and commit suicide because they’re gay? No one will take them seriously after this. Which is exactly what we want.” Connor spoke with such a charismatic intensity that it was easy for Evan to see his point. 

“You’re right.” Evan grinned. “They’re not gonna be able to hurt anyone ever again.”

“ _Especially_ you.” Connor pulled a Evan in for a fierce kiss, then handed him a pistol. “What do you say?”

Evan grinned. “Let’s go hunt some jocks.” 

***

The cemetery was misty in the early dawn, but Evan still managed to make out the forms of Lucas and Miguel standing by one of the trees. 

“Hey, Hansen!” Lucas smirked. “Where’s your _boyfriend_?”

Evan knew Lucas was just trying to rile him up, and he didn’t take the bait. “He’s coming.” He said coolly. 

“How about we start without him?” Miguel smirked. “I wanna see if your bark’s worse than your bite.” 

Evan shrugged, acting as nonchalant as he could. “Okay. It won’t be my fault when Connor sneaks up from behind and pulverizes your sorry asses.” 

Lucas growled. “Wow, you think you’re a real wise guy, huh?” 

“On three.” Evan ignored Lucas. “One, two...”

Just as planned, Connor stepped out from behind the tree, holding the gun. “Three.” 

While Lucas and Miguel turned, Evan pulled his own gun out of his pocket and aimed it at Lucas, while Connor aimed his at Miguel. Simultaneously, they pulled the trigger.

Connor landed a direct hit on Miguel, and the tranquilizer took affect, causing him to fall facedown to the ground. Evan, by contrast, wasn’t as precise with his shooting, and missed Lucas. 

Lucas’s eyes widened as he stared at Miguel unconscious on the ground. “Holy crap!” With that, Lucas turned and sprinted away. 

Connor held out a hand. “Stay there, I’ll get him.” As he ran after Lucas, Evan heard him yelling. “Lucas! _Lucas_!”

From somewhere in the cemetery, Lucas screamed back. “You killed my best friend!”

Something about the way Lucas was screaming, the fear in his voice... it made Evan a little nervous. He went over and kicked Miguel’s arm with his foot. “Miguel?”

“Why are you chasing me?!” Lucas yelled. 

“Miguel?” Evan knelt down, dropping his gun and shaking Miguel. “Miguel, you’re just unconscious, right? Miguel?” When there was no response, Evan felt his heartbeat quickening. He turned Miguel over... and his heart sank. There, right in the middle of his chest, staining Miguel’s white tee shirt... there was a gunshot wound. With a whole lot of blood coming out of it. “Miguel!”

Evan reached out and checked Miguel’s pulse... nothing. 

He was dead. 

And Lucas was in danger.

With a pounding in his head that grew louder with every step, Evan raced after Connor and Lucas. From what felt like miles away, he heard Lucas yelling. “I was just kidding about the Bo Diddley thing!”

“Get off the fence.” He heard Connor yelling. “Get off the damn fence!”

Evan nearly stumbled over a tree root as he finally, finally reached Lucas and Connor. Lucas was attempting to climb the fence to the cemetery, but seemed to be frozen in fear as Connor pointed the gun at him. “I don’t understand!”

“You don’t understand?” Connor’s voice was scarily, remarkably calm. “Well, I guess I have to explain it to you. Do you know what a dinosaur is? Dinosaurs were big, scary creatures that ruled the whole world.” He sounded like he was explaining something to a child. “But one day, a huge asteroid came and killed them all.” He took a deep breath. “Think about it like this. You’re the dinosaur. And me and Evan...” Connor smirked. “We’re the asteroid.” 

“What does that mean?” Lucas yelled. 

Connor’s only response was to squeeze the trigger, placing a bullet straight in Lucas’s heart. 

Evan gasped, watching Lucas’s body go limp with a cold dread clutching his stomach. Voice shaking, he looked at Connor, who had lowered the gun with a sick look of satisfaction. “What the _fuck_ have you done?!” 

Connor smiled, walking over to Evan and cupping Evan’s face in his hands. “They hurt you. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

“You-“ Evan felt like he was going to throw up. “You killed them.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah. They were the dinosaurs, Evan, and God killed the dinosaurs. And you know what killed Lucas and Miguel?” He smirked. “We did. Our love did. Because our love...”   
Connor stopped, interrupting himself to place a forceful kiss on Evan’s lips before he continued. 

“Our love is God.”


End file.
